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Day 117/2

November 1, 2012

I left COH 2 days ago with mixed feelings and arrived home yesterday afternoon.  Claire drove the whole way and I looked out the window anxious about what awaited me at home yet excited to be moving on.  Our Prius was packed to the gills with 4 months of clothes, papers, stuff and more stuff.   When we arrived home, my compulsion to catch up took over.  I’ve gone from one extreme where life was pretty simple, just one day at a time, to back to lists of things to do.  It was wonderful to sleep in our own bed last night and I recall looking from my bed at the familiar surroundings and thinking “was my stay at COH real or just a dream”.  Today, more chores, taking care of stuff, and ending with cleaning the roof gutters in preparation for a storm tonight.  I couldn’t resist.  My energy level is OK but now I’m sitting by a fire, and feeling the body aches and fatigue.

There is one thing that I am doing and will continue to do twice a day.  That is my power chant, “Make this bone marrow transplant fully successful for all of us (then I think of friends like Edie, Carolyn, David, Linda, and Mark) with complete healing of our cancers and bone marrow, our bodies, and our souls”.  After I say cancer and bone marrow, I pause and reflect on how my brother’s cells are slowly increasing their dominance in my bone marrow.  After I say bodies I think of the healing of my lungs, my strength and muscles, and after Souls, I pause and try to be really present about what that means.  In a positive sense it means being true to my self (whatever that means).  I also ask for the strength to not go back to old negative ways.  I have a long way to go but each day is truly a blessing.

So for now, I hope to continue getting healthier.  I’ll be seeing a doctor at Stanford next Wednesday and in 2 weeks from today I’ll go back to COH for an out-patient visit.  In between, I’ll be at home keeping a lowish profile till my blood counts are better and get the OK to go out in public and see all of you.  Once again, I can’t tell you how important it was and is to have all your support and well wishes.


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  1. Larry Levin permalink

    Congratulations on returning home to Santa Cruz. I hadn’t received any of your blogs in a while and so I was concerned, which is why I opened your blog tonight and read the good news. We will look forward to seeing you when you are able to safely interact with others.
    Larry and Diane

  2. Chip Goldeen permalink

    Sweet! Be careful on those ladders.


  3. Nina Haedrich permalink

    Dear dear Jim — a huge step. Take with you everything!! everything you have learned!! And you do know what being true to yourself means. This Life you have is a mystery, a Gift, and a JOY. Namaste Nina

  4. alexis permalink

    Keep up chanting the mantra and i’m positive it will work

  5. Mark lewis permalink

    Congratulations Doc on getting home and all the amazing progress you’ve made. Don’t over do it.

    Take care,

    Kathy, Mark, and Nicki

  6. Nachman permalink

    Baruch Hashem, Yaakov
    from Nachman and friends at Kol Tefillah who’ve been saying mishaberachs for you. Should we continue, or are you out of the woods now?
    We’ve been following your posts almost from the beginning, admiring your self-effacing humor, courage, perspective and objectivity.
    Good luck for the future
    Warmest and fondest regards from Miriam.

  7. Jimmie Wood permalink

    Welcome home broth!


    Jimmie & Laura

  8. Duffy Grant permalink

    Welcome home Jim,
    Everyday is a blessing and I feel so very grateful that you have been sharing your story with all of us. I look forward to seeing you when the time is appropriate.

  9. Brent permalink

    Oh you lucky duck ! Now you can go to Carpos and order the “catch of the day”. Wish we were there with you!
    Warm regards,
    Brent & Viki

  10. susan garfield permalink

    Love the part of you cleaning the gutters. That’s your mom in you. So glad you’re at home. See you when you’re down. Let us know and maybe the gang can get together if you have time.

  11. Bob Smith permalink

    Heidi and I are very happy to know that you’re home and continuing to improve — but take it easy. The chores can probably wait a couple of weeks, especially the gutters. I’m looking for seeing you in the near future.

    Bob Smith

  12. Charlie Young permalink

    Rain gutters! we expect no less than your old self. Welcome home Jim.

  13. Lorna permalink

    Welcome home, Jim. Sounds like you have brought a powerful practice back with you from COH. I know the healing and transformation will continue, body and soul. I love that you include your transplant “siblings” in your daily power chant. Keep listening as you confront those compulsions that have been waiting for you to come home! Lorna

  14. Welcome home Dr Engelman glad you back. Now all you have to do is to be careful and not over due. Yeh that isn’t very likely. But all kidding aside be very careful and not over due. We sure did miss you and just knowing your back in Santa Cruz is a very good piece of mind. All our love, Dennis and Linda

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