Day 68

I seem to physically be in a fairly stable place for the last 1-2 weeks.  No significant problems or progress but I did have a little bump.  I had a transient reaction to Neupogen a week ago.  2 days after the injection, I experience severe bilateral thigh pain.  I could barely get down from the curb to the street when I did my walks.  I’ve heard of this reaction but I’ve never seen it first hand nor have I experienced it.  I’m OK now, just another “experience” on this E ticket ride.  I was a little surprised but I’ve made peace that anything is possible.

I still look at time from one clinic visit to the next, every Monday and Thursday.  Waiting for the day when my WBC (previous donor WBC but now mine) will start increasing.  I’ve heard testamonials from people that they can take a long time to proliferate even more than the magical “100 days”.  One person said her WBC started producing just before a second bone marrow transplant was about to be done.

Mentally, I’m more alert and I think my cognitive functions have improved.  I see steady progress but I still have a way to go.  I think one thing and say another, I forget where I’m going in mid sentence, fight to remember words, etc…  Physically, I’m doing better increasing my endurance and strength but I still take naps.  The physical therapist saysI have a way to go, just need to give it a year or two.  I know I need to be patient but a “year or two?”  It’s tough to be that patient not to mention who knows what hidden land mines are in front of me.

I guess what I’m struggling with most is my emotional state.  I seem to oscillate between periods of feeling OK, acceptance of my predicament, and hopeful with periods of depression, anxiety, and fearful that the transplant will fail.  I remember an old cartoon where a little angel sits on one shoulder and on the other is a little devil.  Both are whispering into an ear vying for control.  I have to keep reminding myself that ultimately I make the choice of whom I’ll listen to.

I feel almost guilty for complaining since I’ve met cancer and transplant patients with incredible stories.  I’ve been fortunate in that I haven’t had any significant GVHD problems.  I’m also been blessed in that my oldest son Sam is visiting me right now.  I guess I’m a little impatient in that I’m looking forward to day 100 where hopefully the  face mask comes off, I’m released from the shackles of a low bacterial diet, and I can go home.